Band Geeks (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Band Geeks" from season two, which aired on January 21, 2005.
 * [A horrible sound is heard, which turns out to be Squidward playing his clarinet until the doorbell rings. Doctor Forrest is at the door]
 * Doctor Forrest: Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises.
 * [Squidward slams the door shut. The phone starts to ring.]
 * Squidward: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the [He plays a clarinet note.]
 * Squilliam: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, ol' chum?
 * [Squidward gasps.]
 * Squidward: Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
 * Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.
 * Squidward: Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow?
 * Squilliam: [Waving his unibrow] It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
 * Squidward: The ba-ba-ba... The ba-ba-ba... The ba-ba-ba?!?!
 * Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
 * Squidward: Ohh, uhh, I... I, uhh...
 * Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.
 * Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancy Boy?!
 * Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of... ibuprofen!
 * [Squilliam and Squidward hang up the phones.]
 * Squidward: I gotta drum up a marching band fast! Drum... haha... band humor... yes... in 2005.
 * [In the following lines, Sandy, Plankton, Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, Larry, Gary are reading from a poster. Each are in different locations.]
 * Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
 * Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Camp Kidney.
 * Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.
 * Mr. Krabs: Not to mention free refreshments.
 * Larry: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp, July 12, 2005.
 * [Squidward looks at his watch while driving a shell cart]
 * Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.
 * [The scene cuts to inside the room, where everyone is there.]
 * All: Blah, blah, blah, blah...
 * Squidward: People, people, settle down! Okay, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
 * Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
 * Squidward: No.
 * Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
 * Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Patrick raises his hand again] Horseradish is not an instrument, either. [Patrick lowers his hand] That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you.
 * [Squidward laughs. Everyone stays silent.]
 * Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?
 * Squidward: Okay, try to repeat after me. [Squidward plays six notes] Brass section, go. [brass section repeats badly] Good. Now the wind. [wind section repeats badly] And the drums. [drummers misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall] Too bad that didn't kill me. [Next scene] Let's just try stepping in the rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
 * SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking?
 * Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.
 * Patrick: Kicking? I wanna do some kicking! [Patrick kicks Sandy in the leg]
 * Sandy: Ow! Why, you...! Why I oughta...! [she jumps on Patrick and starts fighting him until they roll outside and the doors slam shut]
 * Patrick: [Makes a very long scream, then sobs hysterically in pain.] [Everyone pauses and stare at the door, then Patrick sticks his head back in] Whoever is the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.
 * [Patrick walks in and it is revealed that Sandy has stuck his body in a trombone. Trombone notes are heard as he walks towards his seat. As he sits down, he makes a sound on his trombone. Makes a loud trombone noise as he opens his mouth. Stares at himself.]
 * Narrator: Day two.
 * [The scene shows the band walking down a street playing Semper Fidelis, badly.]
 * Squidward: Okay, that's perfect, everybody. Bubble Bowl, here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some blimp. Flag twirlers, let's move! C'mon, move! Fly in the blimp!
 * Jenkins: Uh-oh. What the.....
 * [The flag twirlers spin so hard that they take off into the sky we launches the cannon and crash into a Lumpus' Cabin, which causes an explosion. A trumpet player plays taps while everyone mourns, except Squidward, who just lies down on the ground.]
 * Narrator: Day three.
 * Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?
 * Plankton: It's tremendous, you wanna see?
 * [Plankton plays the harmonica by running to and from the holes quickly, but soon runs out of breath; on his way to the last hole he blows an unsuccessful last raspberry into the harmonica and faints.]
 * Narrator: Day four.
 * Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began... [Patrick chews on a trumpet] ...but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
 * Plankton: [loudly] Correct!
 * Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four! [screen cuts to the outside of the music school and a blast of noise ensues, breaking the windows. Cuts back inside the music school, where Squidward's face is deformed beyond recognition, his shirt's been ripped, and his baton breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
 * Harold: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!
 * Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?!
 * Harold: [shouts loudy] Big... meaty... claws!
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws ain't for just attractin' mates!
 * Harold: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
 * SpongeBob: [tries intervening] No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
 * Nancy: Oh, so now the talking cheese is gonna preach to us.
 * Squidward: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high... [everyone gets into a fight. Pilar and Larry are yelling at each other. Medley slams a drum at him] There's a deposit on that equipment, people! [everyone uses their instruments as weapons. Mr. Krabs and Harold charge at each other with large woodwinds, but try to screech to a halt, and Mrs. Puff slams them both with her cymbals] Settle down, please!
 * [Sandy and Frank are fighting. Sandy breaks the xylophone keys from Frank and Frank runs away. Patrick kicks Sandy, who growls at him before producing a trumpet with an evil grin. Patrick realizes what's coming and runs away screaming as Sandy chases him with the trumpet. The scene cuts to the clock which shows it being 10 o'clock and everyone stops fighting.]
 * Fred: Hey, class is over.
 * [The band members walk to the door where Squidward slams it open.]
 * Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance in happiness... and crushed it! Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks. [sobbing] Thanks for nothing!
 * [Squidward leaves.]
 * Patrick: You're welcome.
 * SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?
 * Evelyn: A fireman.
 * SpongeBob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
 * Larry: Some guy in an ambulance.
 * SpongeBob: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band.
 * Harold: Yeah, for the fireman!
 * All: Hooray!
 * SpongeBob: Now let's make Squidward proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddly diddly doo.
 * [The scene cuts to the Bubble Bowl]
 * Squidward: I knew this was gonna happen. They're just gonna have to find another band to play. I just hope that... [zooms out to reveal Squilliam is there] ...Squilliam doesn't find out! Squilliam! [screams] What are you doing here?!
 * Squilliam: [laughs] I just wanna watch you blow it. So, where's your band?
 * Squidward: Uh, they couldn't come. They... died.
 * Squilliam: Then who's that? [points to SpongeBob and the rest of the band]
 * Squidward: [screams and his eyes pop out] That would be my band!
 * SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward.
 * Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look.
 * [SpongeBob dances]
 * Squidward: That's his... eager face.
 * [Squilliam laughs while they all go into the Bubble Bowl.]
 * Squidward: [everybody marches to the Bubble Bowl and starts performing.] I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.
 * SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward!
 * [The bowl raises above a football field.]
 * Football Announcer: Okay, football fans. Put your hands together for the Camp Kidney Super Band!
 * [A crowd of live-action people cheering is shown.]
 * Patrick: These are some ugly looking duck.
 * SpongeBob: Maybe we're in one of those toxic waste dumps.
 * Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick.
 * Squidward: [Nervously] Alright, everybody. [Glances at Squilliam, who grins and bounces his unibrow] Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 2003, 2004...
 * [The band starts to play a wonderful intro. Squidward opens his eyes, shocked. SpongeBob begins singing.]
 * SpongeBob: [voice of David Glen Eisley] ♪The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the world closin' in. Be on the attack with your wings on the wind. Oh, the games will begin.♪ [Squilliam stares in shock, Squidward gives him a smug grin and throws his baton over his shoulder and uses his arms for conducting.] ♪And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight,♪ [Squilliam faints and gets carried away by stretchers. Squidward waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage.] ♪And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the one who's last to fall. We will have sweet, sweet victory...♪
 * [Squidward jumps up and the scene freezes. It then fades to black, ending the episode.]