Wet Painters (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePantsepisode "Wet Painters" from season three, which aired on May 10, 2002.
 * Narrator: A slow day at the Krusty Krab.
 * SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, check this out. [holds up a patty in each hand] Two ordinary Krabby Patties, but when expertly tossed with the skill of a champ, they become... [throws them on the floor and Patrick slides the patties across the room]
 * Patrick: A one-way ticket to pain! [slams into the wall by Mr. Krabs' office. Mr. Krabs' window breaks off the wall caused by the impact.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Huh? [puts down his writing]
 * SpongeBob: [slides while on Patrick's mouth]Heave-ho! [slams into the wall and the place shakes]
 * Mr. Krabs: [exits his office] What the devil fish is going on out here?! [SpongeBob is on Patrick's mouth] Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! [walks up to SpongeBob] And that's just sick!
 * SpongeBob: But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real bad.
 * Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that?
 * Squidward: Uhh… [nervously holds up his magazine over his face]
 * Mr. Krabs: Listen, instead of killing yourselves, I've got something real important for you to do for me. [scene cuts to the three of them standing in front of Mr. Krabs' house] Now, are you men ready for your Super...?
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Super?
 * Mr. Krabs: Special...?
 * Both: Special?
 * Mr. Krabs: [whispers] Secret...?
 * Both: [whisper] Secret?
 * Mr. Krabs: Assignment?
 * Both: [screaming] Assignment?!? / I beg of you, Mr. Krabs! / Put us out of our misery! [SpongeBob and Patrick get worried]
 * Mr. Krabs: The two of you are to paint the inside of me house! [opens his front door]
 * Both: Yay! [jumps out with excitement]
 * Mr. Krabs: But, let me give you two a warning. This here paint is absolutely permanent. [while showing paint cans, shoves cans toward SpongeBob and Patrick] It will never come off. So if I see even one drop on anything but wall, I'll have your rear ends cut off... [holds up two empty plaques, each with their names on it] …and mounted over me fireplace! So, have fun with the job. [shuts the door with them inside his house]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick?
 * Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob? [They see Mr. Krabs' wall; it is covered head to toe in memorabilia]
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. [puts his paint on the floor] Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?
 * Patrick: [puts his paint on the floor as well] No way, SpongeBob, we're not getting paid to move stuff.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.
 * Patrick: Well that's what I said! We're not getting paid and that's final!
 * SpongeBob: Okay, we'll just paint around all this stuff.
 * Patrick: Good, just don't pay me.
 * SpongeBob: First, we need to set up the tarp. [holds up a tarp]
 * Patrick: Tarp ahoy! [spreads the tarp on the floor, but the camera pans to reveal it's a tiny piece]
 * SpongeBob: We're gonna need more coverage, Patrick. [scene cuts to more tarp on the floor but not the entire floor] Now that's what I'm talking about. Well, I guess we should open these cans of permanent paint now.
 * Patrick: That will never ever come off.
 * SpongeBob: And if we get it on anything, Mr. Krabs will cut our butts off.
 * Patrick: And mount them on the wall. [SpongeBob takes a screwdriver and tries opening the lid]Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob. SpongeBob, careful. Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob! Careful, SpongeBob! [screaming] Careful, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: [holds the lid] Patrick, the lid's already off.
 * Patrick: Oh. Now it's my turn! [takes out a battle ax and hits the paint can with it. SpongeBob grabs the can]
 * SpongeBob: I'm thinking I should do this one, too, Patrick! [carefully opens up the lid. When he does, a paint drop bounces on the tarp]
 * Both: [Screaming as the paint drop bounces on a tarp. Screaming again as the drop bounces on every tarp and then back into the can]
 * Patrick: Well, that was a rip-off. [SpongeBob wipes sweat off]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, let's get our brushes ready. [holds up his big brush] Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. [throws the big brush to the right of him then takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick gets all his hairs out of his nose on his brush. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall] All right, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we're not allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well, here we go.
 * Narrator: One hour later...
 * SpongeBob: [still standing in the same spot, while sweating nervously] Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall.
 * Narrator: Two hours later...
 * SpongeBob: [still standing in the same spot and sweating] I'm getting to the painting.
 * Narrator: Three hours later... [Fourth wall breaks between these two lines]
 * Patrick: [Carrying the “Three Hours Later” time card] Can you move it along? I'm all out of time cards.
 * SpongeBob: [still standing on the same spot and sweating] No problem. Here I go. [makes a line of paint going down the wall. He smiles. The paint starts going down, but SpongeBob blows it one direction then another then another until he gets a blow dryer and blows the paint off the wall. Blows the steam off the hairdryer like a gun] Yeah! Huh? [notices the big paint bubble] Barnacles! [throws the hairdryer away] What could be worse than a giant paint bubble!?
 * Patrick: Oh, I know! [takes a wand, dips it in the paint then blows a big bubble] Two giant paint bubbles!
 * SpongeBob: Noooooo! [two giant paint bubbles merge into one] Patrick?
 * Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!
 * Patrick: [finds a bicycle pump and attaches it to the bubble] Nonsense! [starts pumping the bubble]
 * SpongeBob: Pat, no! [the bubble grows bigger and bigger until it pops. The paint splatters all over the wall, covering up all the old brown spots. SpongeBob moves out of the way for the last bit of paint to splash on the wall] We did it! [checks the area] We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of paint on anything but the-- [shocked] Flappin' Flotsam! What's that?! [Mr. Krabs' dollar on the wall has a dot of paint on it upon closer inspection. SpongeBob's eyes crack, break, and drip on the floor. He then falls over. He then wakes up and his eyes recover] We're dead, Patrick! Do you know what that is?
 * Patrick: Hmm... it's a dollar. I win!
 * SpongeBob: That's not just a dollar. It's Mr. Krabs' first dollar! His most prized possession! And we got paint on it!
 * Patrick: I think you are over-reacting, SpongeBob, I don't see any paint.
 * SpongeBob: Okay, [takes the dollar off the wall] this isn't a problem. Maybe I can just wipe it off. [tries to wipe the paint off with his tie but makes the paint even more noticeable] There! I think I got it. [notices the paint more. He becomes nervous so he wipes it more but the dollar becomes completely covered in paint. He screams]
 * Patrick: Oh, now I see it!
 * SpongeBob: This is not good, Patrick! This is not good! Mr. Krabs is gonna be home soon, and when he sees what we did to his first dollar… [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick's butt on the wall while Mr. Krabs is enjoying some tea by the fire]
 * Both: [Both shriek while holding their butts]
 * Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, all we got to do is wash the paint off and Krabs will never know!
 * SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said…
 * Patrick: [claps his hands over SpongeBob's mouth] Forget what Mr. Krabs said! Every paint comes off with something! [scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a washing machine]
 * SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, in his hands; he also has a bra on his head]
 * Patrick: Nope. [scene cuts to SpongeBob sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand]
 * SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick's hands are gone]
 * Patrick: Nope.
 * Patrick: [scene cuts to SpongeBob squirting sulfuric acid out of a fire hose. Patrick screams in pain]
 * SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the acid, except for the part blocked by his arms]
 * Patrick: Nope. [scene cuts to SpongeBob banging on the dollar Patrick is holding, while Patrick is wearing a neck brace and has a black eye; behind them is a huge assortment of weapons and tools that apparently didn't work either] Oof! Oof! Oof!
 * SpongeBob: [holds a club] Nothing's working!
 * Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob! We're not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology! [picks up the computer and angrily grunts as he smashes it on the dollar]
 * SpongeBob: It didn't work.
 * Patrick: [Ranting as he puts the computer down] This is all Mr. Krabs' fault! If he hadn't hung that stupid dollar in the first place...! I mean, it's not like it looks any different than a regular dollar. Why hang it? You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well reach in my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And it would...
 * SpongeBob: Hurry, Patrick, take out your wallet.
 * Patrick: I don't see where you're going with this... [takes out his wallet and pulls out a dollar] hey, a dollar!
 * SpongeBob: Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to...Patrick, no! [Patrick puts his dollar in a vending machine] No…why'd you put it in the... [his dollar comes out] Grab it, Pat, grab it! Hurry, hurry! [Patrick pushes it back in] Aww, Pat, no, no! [dollar comes out again] Get it, Pat, get it, get it, get it! [Patrick pushes it back in again and covers the hole so the dollar won't come out again] Oh, no-ho-oh!
 * Patrick: [eats a chocolate bar as he approaches an annoyed SpongeBob] Wanna bite?
 * SpongeBob: Okay, okay, we still have time! [looks in a mirror] Don't panic, SpongeBob, panic is the enemy. You are strong. Through your strength, you shall overcome! [Mr. Krabs is approaching the door while singing, offscreen]
 * SpongeBob's reflection: You're on your own, pal. [walks away]
 * SpongeBob: [screams as he runs in circles around Patrick] Hurry, Patrick, put Mr. Krabs' dollar back on the wall! I got an idea! [Mr. Krabs enters his dark house where all the lights are off]
 * Mr. Krabs: What the…?
 * SpongeBob: [stammering] We're all done, sir. Everything looks great.
 * Patrick: Yeah, you don't have to look around. We already did that for you. [lights turn on; they are grinning suspiciously]
 * Mr. Krabs: You both look like you got a dirty little secret. Ha! I'm kidding. Let's see how you did. Oh, not bad boys, not bad. A nice even coat, high gloss, no bubbles.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, looks great, Mr. Krabs. We'll just be going... [he and Patrick are about to leave]
 * Mr. Krabs: Flippin' fish fossils! Look what you did!
 * SpongeBob: [stops leaving as he and Patrick kneel down and beg] Oh, Mr. Krabs, we're so sorry! Don't de-butt me! Don't de-butt me!
 * Patrick: [begging] Mr. Krabs, I'm sorry! Have mercy! Have mercy!
 * Mr. Krabs: Sorry? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice. Great Barrier Reef! What's this?
 * SpongeBob: [begging] It's not our fault, Mr Krabs!
 * Patrick: [begging] We didn't do it on purpose!
 * Both: [begging] Accident! Accident! Accident! Accident!
 * Patrick: [begging] I don't want to be butt-less!
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, and I suppose the floor molding just painted itself on its own. [wall is decorated with tiny ships] That's what I call craftsmanship. Criminy jim-jam! you messed up my dollar... [runs over to a bunch of dolls lined up perfectly] ...rama! [Patrick and SpongeBob are confused] All the dolls in this dollarama were perfectly aligned! [straightens one of the dolls to an upright position]
 * Doll: Mama.
 * Mr. Krabs: And you boys thought I wouldn't notice. Oh well, I guess no harm done. All right, boys, you're free to go. [runs into a long pile of paintings] Ow! That's funny, I don't remember a stack of painting jutting from the wall where me first dollar used to be. In fact, I don't remember this painting at all. [takes the painting of a crying clown off] Or this one. [takes the painting of a car race off] Or this one. [takes the painting off. SpongeBob and Patrick are anxious] Or this one. [takes it off] Or this one. [takes it off] Or this one. [takes the painting of a banana off] Or this one. [takes Painty the Pirate off. SpongeBob is behind the painting he just took off]
 * SpongeBob: Hi, Mr. Kraals.
 * Sandy: Dirty Dan, what are you doing, Hurtville?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, you know, just hanging around.
 * Patrick: Sandy.
 * Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy. [SpongeBob stretches his body to the floor. Mr. Krabs is now annoyed] Alright, now you're just being silly.
 * SpongeBob: [Mrs. Puff takes him off the wall and throws him aside] No, No, Mrs Puff! No! Don't look, it's a trick!
 * Mrs. Puff: [angrily] Did you two get paint all over me first dollar.
 * Sandy: I warned ya, Dirty Dan. Now you just crossed to the Hurtville.
 * SpongeBob: [angrily] We're sorry, Mrs. Puff!
 * Patrick: We're so sorry!
 * Mrs. Puff: [looks at the dollar again then looks at SpongeBob and Patrick] And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon]
 * Patrick: [holding a green crayon as SpongeBob looks at him] I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.
 * MRS. Puff: All right, boys... you know what I've gotta do now?!
 * SpongeBob: You mean our butts?
 * Patrick: Can I use mine one last time? [Mr. Krabs takes the dollar and licks it. The paint comes off then Mr. Krabs puts the dollar back up on the wall]
 * Mr. Krabs: There we go, good as new. Sandy!
 * Sandy: Hey! He licked the dollar. Really bad.
 * Both: [They are shocked beyond belief. Stammering] But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I warned ya, Dirty Dan! This paint actually comes off with Sandy's Apple! [laughs]
 * SpongeBob: [frowns then smiles] Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!
 * Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya! [Laughs. SpongeBob scowls. He and Patrick glare at Mr. Krabs; they storm out in disgust. Mr. Krabs laughs so hard he spits all over the walls] The old man's still got it! [continues laughing, but the paint comes off the wall from all the spit. He finally stops laughing to see his whole place a mess] Aww, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.