Pest of the West (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pest of the West" from season five, which aired on April 11, 2008.
 * [Episode starts at the Krusty Krab]
 * SpongeBob: Backing up! [Walks backward, face to the ground] Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...
 * Squidward: You're better off not knowing.
 * SpongeBob: ...boop, boop, boop! [Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table] Your Krabby Patty, sir.
 * Harold: Do you always serve your food this way?
 * SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! [Patrick walks in on a pretend horse]
 * Patrick: Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, The mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! [Rides around the Krusty Krab]The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!
 * SpongeBob: Not the mollusks!
 * Patrick: Mollusks? What mollusks?
 * SpongeBob: There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick?
 * Patrick: No. I was only pretending to be my famous, Great-Great-Great Uncle, Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hordes of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! [A flashback begins with Patrick's Great-Great uncle riding through town]
 * Patrick Revere: The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!
 * Patrick: It's too bad nobody listened to him.
 * Fish #2: What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? [Mollusks come in. Fish #2 and #3 scream. Flashback ends]
 * SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative.
 * Patrick: Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off.
 * Mr. Krabs: That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The spendthrift billfold system! Allow me to demonstrate. [Pulls out what looks like a dollar in a wallet] Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?
 * SpongeBob: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: A-a-a watch. [Pulls on the dollar, a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger] See?
 * SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?
 * Mr. Krabs: Every time!
 * SpongeBob: Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.
 * Patrick: Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. [Scene cuts to when SpongeBob is standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop]
 * SpongeBob: I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. [sighs] I never realized how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. [Sandy jumps in]
 * Sandy: HI-YAH!
 * SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy. [Sandy sees SpongeBob upset]
 * Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody-pop.
 * SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?
 * Sandy: I sure do!
 * Texas Announcer: My great aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Spindletop, Texas. [Flashback begins with a squirrel standing on top of an oil tower]
 * Voice: She's ready to blow! [Oil spurts out of the ground, the squirrel jumps away, flashback ends]
 * Stewie: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.
 * Brian: Come on, I'll bet y'all got someone famous in your family tree.
 * SpongeBob: Well, there was my uncle Sherm. [Pulls out a wallet full of pictures] He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. [Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose]
 * Sandy: That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. [Cut to Bikini Bottom Library, Sandy pulls out a book]
 * Sandy: "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants, Hey, looky here! [Points to a statue of SpongeBuck in a picture]
 * SpongeBob: Gasp!
 * Sandy: It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants!
 * SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue?
 * Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch, that's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days. [Story Begins, train coming into scene] It was a town that lived under the tyranny of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. [Train stops, SpongeBuck gets off]
 * SpongeBuck: Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune.
 * Sandy: Back in them days, the whole place was run by that no-good gloot, Dead Eye!
 * SpongeBuck: Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, willigers! They got an ice cream parlor! [Sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor", SpongeBuck walks up to the front]I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please.
 * Fish #4: You're new here, aren't you?
 * SpongeBuck: Yep. I just got off from the train.
 * Fish #4: You don't say. [Licks ice cream, Fish #4 measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him, SpongeBuck notices that some people are looking at him, he looks at them, pull their hats down, keeps walking and licking, music is coming from the Krusty Kantina]
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Business is good today! [SpongeBuck walks in, wearing a bell that is ringing, everyone stops]
 * SpongeBuck: Howdy do, y'all?
 * Hopalong Tentacles: Great, another hayseed.
 * Western Mr. Krabs: [Whispering] Charge him double for his drinks.
 * SpongeBuck: Howdy partner! [Sits down] Pardon, but is this stool taken?
 * Fish #5: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. [SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles]
 * Hopalong: What can I get you, stranger?
 * SpongeBuck: Give me a shot of milk.
 * Hopalong: Milk?
 * SpongeBuck: Two percent.
 * Hopalong: Think you can handle it?
 * SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready Tapey. [Laughs and drinks the milk, milk spills into a place where a worm is living] Aah, [Falls off the stool] Oh, yeah! Smooth.
 * Hopalong: Right.
 * Western Mr. Krabs: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?
 * Hopalong: Strange is right.
 * SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. [Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted']
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Wonderful! You're hired. [Gives him a badge] Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! [Everyone cheers]
 * SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. [Holds up the same paper but points to an ad that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits'] Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. [Krabs tries it and spits it out]
 * Western Mr. Krabs: No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.
 * SpongeBuck: In a good way?
 * Western Mr. Krabs: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!
 * Hopalong: Since when?
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Shshshshshsh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!
 * SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Uh, he's at Boot Hill. [Shows a picture of a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill]
 * SpongeBuck: Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?
 * Roger: Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. [Shows a picture of a full cemetery with a sign saying Old Dead Tree Hill, Pecos Francine bursts in]
 * Francine: He's a' coming! Francine a' coming!
 * Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Francine?!
 * Roger and Steve: Francine?!
 * Stan: Who's Francine?
 * Pecos Patrick: I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. Maestro, if you please. [Hopalong is at the piano, cracks knuckles, about to play, deposits coin, music starts playing] ♪Oh, American Dad was a purdy place with sweet water and blue sky. 'Til one day a beast 'come a-riding from the east by the name of Ol' Dead Eye.♪
 * Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: ♪That dirty, no-good Dead Eye!♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪Oh, he's robbed this town, he's pulled my pants down!♪
 * Polene Puff: ♪He made all the pretty girls cry!♪
 * Western Mr. Krabs: ♪That no-good goon wants my saloon! And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon! If we don't get some help here real soon...♪
 * Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: ♪We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye! We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try!♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪And if you think that's funny, let me tell you, sonny, you won't be laughing when you SEE...♪ [Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch gasp] ♪HIS...♪ [Polene Puff gasps] ♪BIG...♪ [SpongeBuck gasps] ♪RED...♪ [Hopalong Tentacles and Western Mr. Krabs gasp] ♪DEAD EYE!♪
 * Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch and SpongeBuck: ♪Francine!♪
 * Hayley: That's me! Hayley!
 * Francine: Oh no...
 * Steve: We just sang a whole dance about him!
 * Hayley: Well, what are you like some corn at?! [Everyone hides, Dead Eye knocks a chair with a person down, takes a corn, pulls off Francine's clothes]
 * Francine: Aw, again? [Hayley flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip, Steve and Roger duck]
 * Hayley: Get up you two, your hungry! I'm here for my... money, Krabs, you're fired. [dips a coin in milk and bites on it] .
 * Roger: [Laughs nervously] What? How am I supposed to keep the deed to me saloon if you keep taking all me mortgage payments? I'm going broke, here my gun! [Hayley bends the coin]
 * Hayley: That's notury is my gun! [Laughs] I thought we were all clear on that.
 * Roger: Oh, yeah. [Hands Hayley a bag of money]
 * Hayley: I'll be back at fuck high noon tomorrow for the deed!
 * Stan: Hey! That's not your money! That's my gun!
 * Hayley: WHAT WAS THAT?! [Krabs points at SpongeBuck, Everyone runs away] Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch! Not Yokelburg! [Laughs] Yokelburg... [Laughs again] Who are you anyway?
 * Stan: I'm Stan, the new sheriff. Want some ball?
 * Hayley: Sheriff! [Knocks down Stan's ball] 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys!
 * Stan: Story of Coffin jockey, and Gain weight!? [Runs over to Roger] You didn't say anything about that!
 * Hayley: [Pulls out a pocket watch] That must be a new record for running off a sheriff.
 * Stan: [Is pretending to ride a horse, but is on a coffin] Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa, girl! [Coffin neighs like a horse]
 * Hayley: Where do you get these guys? [Krabs shrugs] All right, kid. I'm going to make it simple for you. I'm a villain, got it?
 * Stan: Uh huh.
 * Hayley: And this town ain't big enough for the both of us! Understand?
 * Stan: Yep.
 * Hayley: So, vamoose enough! Or we're going to have to settle this western-style at high noon clock, savvertation?
 * Stan: I don't know!
 * Hayley: You have 2 ideas what I'm talking about?
 * Stan: Nope.
 * Hayley: (sighs) Hi-ya! [Cracks whip at Stan, Stan runs away] And stay out! Hey, only three seconds off my record! [Everyone is looking at Hayley] What are you hayseeds looking at? [cracks whip, Everyone screams and runs away] Get out of here!
 * Ramona: What's gonna happen to the town now, Mom?
 * Little Girl's Mom: I ain't your, Ramona [Both scream and run away]
 * Hayley: I love this town! [Laughs evilly. Cuts to the desert where SpongeBuck is riding the coffin like a horse]
 * SpongeBuck: Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! [Trips on a rock] Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food, [shows his arm, with no hand] water, and lip balm! [Lip balm turns to dust, SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off] I'm sorry old Paint! Guess I have to put you out your misery! So long old friend! [Is about to saw coffin in half]
 * Cowbone #1: Hey, buddy, you better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.
 * SpongeBuck: It does?
 * Cowbone #2: Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! [Both laugh, SpongeBuck laughs, Pecos Patrick laughs]
 * Pecos Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!
 * SpongeBuck: I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing. [Pecos Patrick slaps him]
 * Pecos Patrick: Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! [Shows a badly drawn picture of Pecos Patrick] Duhhh...
 * SpongeBuck: I don't know, [slaps him again] Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurtin' me! Besides, you're right! It's time I stepped up and looked him in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!
 * Pecos Patrick: Hop on, buddy!
 * SpongeBuck: Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.
 * Pecos Patrick: Don't worry. I got a short-cut. He-ya! [Starts riding coffin, rides over a cliff, both land on a cactus, both start flying toward Dead Eye Gulch, in Dead Eye Gulch, a carriage is riding around town]
 * Polene Puff: Why are we going so fast?
 * Western Mr. Krabs: 'Cause without a sheriff, Dead Eye won't stop until he has the clothes off our backs! [Dead Eye is in the road]
 * Dead Eye Plankton: [Laughs evilly] Great idea! [Scene cuts to where Western Mr. Krabs, Polene Puff, and Hopalong have no clothes on but their underclothes] Okay, let's see, [checking off a list] personal possessions, clothes off your backs, that should about do it! Look, I'm just going to drop off all my new stuff at the bank. I'll be back at high noon to rub my victory in your face with a little dance. Uh huh, waa-waa! Uh huh, waa-waa!
 * Hopalong: I gotta admit, he's got skills.
 * Dead Eye Plankton: That's right! And when I take the deed to your saloon Krabs, I'll own every building in town! And you'll all have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives! [laughs but then coughs] Swallowed a bug! I hate that. It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee-how! [Rides off]
 * Western Mr. Krabs: So, that's it.
 * Polene Puff: We lost.
 * Hopalong: I don't know how it could get any worse. [SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick start falling]
 * SpongeBuck: Hi, guys! I'm back in the nick of time!
 * Pecos Patrick: We're heroes!
 * Hopalong: You're morons!
 * Polene Puff: It's too late. Plankton's taken everything!
 * SpongeBuck: But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon.
 * Polene Puff: Well, I guess the early bird gets the worm.
 * Hopalong: And all our stuff.
 * Western Mr. Krabs: And me money! Me beautiful, beautiful money!
 * SpongeBuck: You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short 20 minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch.
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Could you get to the point? We're freezing!
 * SpongeBuck: What I'm a saying is if we all team up together, we can stand up to Dead Eye Plankton, and run him right out of Dead Eye Gulch for good! So, what do you say?
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Well, I think we all know the answer.
 * All: Forget it, SpongeBuck!
 * Pecos Patrick: Why are you all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me. Oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party! Pillow fight! [Whacks Hopalong with his pillow, laughs, then whacks SpongeBuck]
 * SpongeBuck: That pillow sure packs a wallop!
 * Pecos Patrick: It's made out of wood, [Pulls out a wooden log inside the pillow] like all pillows in the old west. Round 2?
 * SpongeBuck: I do believe I'd sit this one out.
 * Pecos Patrick: Looks like it's just you and me, kid. [Whacks himself with the log]
 * SpongeBuck: Come on, guys! We can do this! If we work together!
 * Western Mr. Krabs: No offense, kid. But your advice is as terrible as your chili.
 * SpongeBuck: I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then, I discovered the love of my new idiot friend. And we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together, in idiot friendship, we can beat Dead Eye and save the town! So let's huddle up and make a plan, together! Bzbzbzbzbzb
 * Pecos Patrick: Uh huh,
 * SpongeBuck: Bzbzbzbzbzbzb
 * Pecos Patrick: Uh huh, uh huh,
 * SpongeBuck: Bzbzbzbzbzbzbzbzb
 * Hopalong: Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying bzbzbzbzbzbzb?
 * SpongeBuck: Umm...
 * Hopalong: You don't have a plan, do you?
 * SpongeBuck: No. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get this far. [Everyone groans] But I know we can beat him! If we just work together!
 * Dead Eye Plankton: Oh, I am terrified.
 * All: Dead Eye Plankton?!
 * Dead Eye Plankton: So, fry cook, you're back! And all alone.
 * SpongeBuck: You wish, Dead Eye! We are united! Right g-- Hey! [All of SpongeBuck's friends are hiding at the Krusty Kantina]
 * Western Mr. Krabs: We're right behind you boy! WAY WAY behind you!
 * Dead Eye Plankton: So, it's come to this. Mano y mano.
 * SpongeBuck: Well, you can hold the mano, because it's come down to you and me!
 * Dead Eye Plankton: Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon! [A clock strikes 12:00 P.M., Hayley and Stan walk toward each other. SpongeBuck suddenly hears a squelching sound.] Ow! [SpongeBuck, confused, lifts his shoe, and underneath is Dead Eye, eyes is X's squished and sticking to his shoe. Everyone who's hiding looks at SpongeBuck, and they come out and cheers] I hate all of you!
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Can I try?
 * Dead Eye Plankton: You can't do this! [Western Mr. Krabs joyfully steps on Dead Eye repeatedly]
 * Pecos Patrick: Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck!
 * Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! [scene cuts to where Krabs is holding a line to squash Dead Eye at the Krusty Kantina]
 * Mr. Krabs: Step right up, folks! Just a dollar to stomp on old Dead Eye Plankton!
 * Dead Eye Plankton: [Polene Puff is smushing Dead Eye over and over again. The bottom of her shoe is covered in green stains] Ah! Ouch! Ooh!
 * Polene Puff: Take that, you no-good little varmint!
 * Hayley: I have a lot of money! [Gets smashed by her boot again, and she twists her foot, smearing him into the floor]
 * Pecos Patrick: Well, sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. [SpongeBuck drinks a glass of milk, but Pecos Patrick spills his, both say Ahh]
 * SpongeBuck: You forgot the most important part. I discovered the power of idiot friendship. [Shows a badly drawn picture of them both going Duhhh...]
 * Pecos Patrick: Come with me, I want to show you something.
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Thank you sheriff SpongeBuck for saving our town. And for stepping on that little varmint.
 * Dead Eye Plankton: History will vindicate me! [Gets stepped on by Pecos Patrick]
 * Western Mr. Krabs: We melted down Plankton's gold and made a statue in your honor. [Pulls off a sheet revealing a golden statue of SpongeBuck on a coffin]
 * Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Oooh!
 * Hopalong: I liked my design better. [Shows a piece of paper with his idea on it, but it is him]
 * Western Mr. Krabs: Sorry about the whole tricking you into being sheriff thing. And to make it up to you, I've got a new badge for you. If you'll take it. [Puts the badge on SpongeBuck]
 * SpongeBuck: Wow! Fry cook! [Everyone starts clapping] Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch! The statue is truly amazing! Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, I'd want him to look at this and say 'Hey! I'm proud of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather!'
 * Citizens of Bikini Gulch: Aaw!
 * Fish #8: Say seaweed! [Picture takes, story ends]
 * SpongeBob: So my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa SpongeBuck saved the town of Bikini Gulch! And everyone in it! I wonder what happened to the statue of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. [Sandy and SpongeBob walk out of the library] It was much better than that one we have now. [Both walk by the statue SpongeBob saw earlier]
 * Brian: Yeah, and it's covered in jellyfish poop.
 * Stewie: Wait a minute, [Goes over and starts to pick at the jellyfish poop]
 * Brian: Delicious! Don't touch that, Stewie! Mmmm! What are you doing?! [Stewie wipes the poop off the statue to reveal gold] That boy ain't hooked up right.
 * Stewie: Look, Brian!
 * Brian: HUH? [The statue reveals to be the Stan, Francine, Steve, Roger, Hayley and Klaus statue]
 * Stewie: American Dad was here all the long! Sorry Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. I didn't recognize you all covered in poop.
 * Brian: Wow!
 * Stewie: I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day people will know the name Stewie Griffen!
 * Brian: Keep dreaming, Stewie. Keep dreaming. [The jellyfish float back to the golden statue. Scene cuts to the Krusty Kantina where SpongeBuck is on stage]
 * SpongeBuck: Hey, Everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! [Pecos Patrick gets on stage,] He's an idiot! [Everyone cheers]
 * Pecos Patrick: So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?
 * SpongeBuck: We're gonna sing a song about friends!
 * Pecos Patrick: What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?
 * SpongeBuck: Well, listen up and I'll tell you! ♪Who's there for you when you are sad and down?♪
 * Buffalo Skulls: ♪Idiot Friends!♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪Who picks you up and slaps you all around?♪
 * Clouds: ♪Idiot Friends!♪
 * SpongeBuck: ♪Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪Idiot Friends, Idiot Friends--♪
 * SpongeBuck & Pecos Patrick: ♪--Idiot Friends!♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do.♪
 * SpongeBuck & Pecos Patrick: ♪Idiot Friends!♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪Dah de da da da da da do.♪
 * SpongeBuck & Pecos Patrick: ♪Idiot Friends!♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪De da da da-doodle, duh do.♪ You know SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? [Dead Eye pulls his pants down]
 * SpongeBuck: ♪Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?♪
 * Pecos Patrick: Thanks, buddy!
 * Dead Eye Plankton: Curses!
 * Pecos Patrick: Only an idiot friend would do that!
 * SpongeBuck: Let's bring it home, idiot friend!
 * Pecos Patrick: Okay.
 * SpongeBuck: ♪Who lets you ride on his coffin?♪
 * Pecos Patrick: ♪Who slaps you hard and often?♪
 * SpongeBuck: ♪What do you and me have in common?♪
 * SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick: ♪We're idiot friends!!!!!!!!!!!!♪ [Everyone Cheers]
 * SpongeBuck: Thank you, thank you very much.
 * Dead Eye Plankton: Help me!