Survival of the Idiots/transcript

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article is a transcript of the Camp Lazlo episode "Survival of the Idiots" from season two, which aired on March 5, 2005.
 * [Lumpus and Slinkman are running down the block jumping up and down, disfiguring themselves in the process]
 * Lumpus: [hyperactive, in time with Patrick] Alright, we're gonna go to Sandy's house! Yeah! Ha-ha! Keep the tree warm, Sandy, we're on our way to your house! Ha-ha-ha...
 * Patrick: [hyperactive, in time with SpongeBob] Yay! Yay! Ha-ha! I'm gonna beat you there! I'm gonna... ah, it's gonna be fun! Ah-ha...
 * [They freeze in mid-run when they see Camp Kidney Movie Theater is enclosed with metal walls. The two walk up to the door, which has a "Keep Out" sign on it]
 * SpongeBob: Sandy? [they enter] Hey, Sandy, what's with the sign?
 * [the two walk up to a TV which shows Sandy in a pink nightgown eating acorns]
 * Patrick: Look, she's on the Eating Channel.
 * Sandy: [On TV. Sandy fills her cheeks with acorns and swallows, wincing in pain as the giant mass of acorns passes down her long, thin neck and into her small torso, deforming it as it goes] Howdy! [eats more nuts] If y'all are watching this, that means I'm asleep for the winter. This sleep is called hibernation. ["HIBERNATION" appears on the bottom of the screen. Sandy eats more nuts] During hibernation, animals don't like to be woken up. So do not disturb. [sternly] That means you, SpongeBob.
 * [Patrick turns the TV off and puts on SpongeBob's water helmet and his own]
 * Patrick: We better put these on.
 * SpongeBob: Never mind, Pat. Sandy said not to come in. Let's am-scray.
 * [Patrick pushes the button, letting all the water drain out of the front foyer]
 * Patrick: When are you gonna learn, SpongeBob? "No" means "yes"!
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, listen, how many times do we have to-?
 * Patrick: SpongeBob, look at this! [snow falls in and covers the bottom of the treedome. SpongeBob gasps and walks in]
 * SpongeBob: What is this stuff? [pan around the treedome]
 * Patrick: It's a vast, swirling wonderland of sparkling white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading, fluffy pillows of excitement and comfort as you've never felt before.
 * SpongeBob: [teary-eyed] Wow, Patrick, that was beautiful.
 * Patrick: What, I was just reading this candy bar wrapper, see? [he hands SpongeBob the wrapper. SpongeBob gasps]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick! Put your helmet back on! [Patrick has taken his helmet off and is eating the snowflakes]You know there's no water in Sandy's house!
 * Patrick: It's okay, SpongeBob. This stuff is water! Look! [Patrick lets a flake land on his tongue and it melts into water]
 * SpongeBob: I guess you're right. It's okay here!
 * Patrick: Take it off. No one's looking. [SpongeBob does so and the two cheer and burrow themselves in the snow. They pop back up with noses made of snow. Then, they hear a weird sound] SpongeBob, did you hear that?
 * SpongeBob: I think it came from Sandy's tree.
 * Patrick: That is one tired tree.
 * SpongeBob: Let's check it out. [cut to inside Sandy's tree where SpongeBob and Patrick come in. They both gasp] Look what's in Sandy's bed! [they walk over to the bed, where Sandy is asleep in hibernation form, looking like some weird squirrel-like monster]
 * Patrick: Looks like an over-inflated Sandy doll!
 * SpongeBob: I think this thing is Sandy.
 * Patrick: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.
 * Sandy: [snoring, talking in sleep] I've had enough of your dastardly deeds, Dirty Dan. I'm gonna get you and your partner, Pinhead Larry or my name ain't Sheriff... Sandy... [snores]
 * SpongeBob: [giggles] She must be dreaming about Texas outlaws. [the two giggle] Look out, Sandy, I'm Dirty Dan.
 * Sandy: I'm gonna catch you and throw you in jail at taxpayers' expense.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, you better run faster, Sandy.
 * Patrick: Yeah! I'm getting away! Faster! [Sandy moves her arms and legs]
 * SpongeBob: Hurry, we're getting in a taxi!
 * Patrick: Faster, faster! [the two giggle]
 * Sandy: I'll get you two. You're nothing but pure evil! Just like newspaper comics... [snores off to sleep, the two giggle again]
 * SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.
 * Patrick: That's not disturbing. This is disturbing! [Patrick struggles to create a talking face that protrudes from his back] Hi there, SpongeBob. My name is Patback.
 * SpongeBob: Ha! That is really disturbing!
 * [the Lazlo, Clam, Raj, Lumpus, Slinkman laugh uncontrollably. Cut to Sandy, her eye shoots open. A giant shadow looms movie over SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick stops laughing while SpongeBob continues to laugh]
 * Lumpus: Slinkman! Look in the movie?!
 * Slinkman: [stops laughing] What?
 * [Lumpus is really mad now, she's steaming and roaring. 
 * Lumpus: SLINKMAN! WHAT'S GOING ON?! (Slinkman run here, but Hoo-Ha has them both by the their pants and gives them an extreme wedgie. They run in mid-air anyway.] 
 * Lumpus: Faster, Slinkman! He's going to get you some food!
 * Slinkman: [Crying from the pain of the wedgie.] Lumpus! Come on! Eat!
 * Lumpus: Slinkman, give me back my foodo! Now, you've just burn the bed, And you eat the Dasefe Aksuetref Tahsksvsn Labdsodvnql Lasnsmsneudg Makdgajejsjhn!
 * Slinkman: Lumpus, it's us, your food! Cola and Slop!
 * Lumpus: Please, Slinkman, I wanna eat my D.A.T.L.L.M.!
 * Sandy: Gonna skin y'all and make a pair of size six...boots... [she falls asleep and drops the two. They inch away and see Sandy fall back into her bed]
 * Patrick: Fun's over.
 * SpongeBob: Whew, we sure don't want to wake her up again. Too bad we don't have any earplugs to put on her.
 * Patrick: Yeah, all's I got is this bellybutton lint. [he takes the lint out of its designated area. It somehow forms into the shape of earmuffs]
 * SpongeBob: All right, Pat! [he takes them and crawls over to the bed. SpongeBob puts the earmuffs on Sandy]
 * Sandy: I'm gonna rip your arms off and.... flapjacks? [snores]
 * SpongeBob: Well, that oughta work.
 * Patrick: [loudly] Hey, Sandy, does it work? [Sponge and Patrick look at each other and raise their eyebrows repeatedly and in symmetry]
 * SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, if you can't hear us, don't say anything!
 * Patrick: Hey, Sandy! Don't wake up! [the two giggle, SpongeBob holds a megaphone up to Sandy's head and yells into it]
 * SpongeBob: See ya later, Sheriff Sandy! [laughs, the two run down to the snowy plains and act like outlaws, with that drawling voice] You're under arrest!
 * Patrick: You'll never catch me! [he giggles and makes a snowball and throws it at SpongeBob's face. They both laugh. Patrick starts to make another one, but he's hit by a giant mound of snow. SpongeBob stands on a giant snow cannon, laughing] Hey, that's not fair! Cowboys couldn't afford cannons.
 * SpongeBob: They couldn't afford station wagons either! [A giant snowball shaped like a station wagon lands on Patrick]
 * Patrick: Nice paneling.
 * SpongeBob: All right, Pinhead. Your time is up! [cut to Patrick, who looks like a cone-head]
 * Patrick: Who you calling Pinhead? I want to be Dirty Dan!
 * SpongeBob: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
 * Patrick: I'm dirty. [he's hit on the head by a giant "snow" shovel that SpongeBob has]
 * SpongeBob: I'd say I'm Dirty Dan. [Patrick runs off and returns with a giant bat with a nail in it made of snow]
 * Patrick: I'd say I'm Dirty Dan! [whacks SpongeBob with it]
 * SpongeBob: Ow! [whacks Patrick again] I'd say I'm Dirty Dan! Ow!
 * Patrick: [whacks SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan. Ee!
 * SpongeBob: [whacks Patrick] I'm Dirty Dan! Ow!
 * Patrick: [whacks SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan. Ee!
 * SpongeBob: [whacks Patrick] I'm Dirty Dan! Oof!
 * Patrick: [whacks SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan. Ee!
 * SpongeBob: [whacks Patrick] I'm Dirty Dan! D'oh!
 * [Inside the tree, Sandy blissfully sleeps until the repeated impacts cause the earmuffs to fall off.]
 * Patrick: [whacks SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan. Ee!
 * SpongeBob: [whacks Patrick] I'm Dirty Dan! Ow!
 * Patrick: [whacks SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan. Ee!
 * SpongeBob: [whacks Patrick] I'm Dirty Dan! Ow! [Sandy's eyes snap open] [Cut back to outside]
 * Patrick: [whacks SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan. [SpongeBob sees something behind Patrick and screams in terror] Screaming will get you nowh- [Sandy reaches out, grabs the top of Patrick's head and rips it off. Sandy huffs and growls as she stands behind Patrick, towering over him with sharpened teeth bared in a snarl]
 * Sandy: [breathing heavily] Which one of you fellers is the real Dirty Dan?!
 * Patrick: Uh...I am? [bad idea, as Sandy promptly backhands him and sends him flying across the treedome]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick slams against the dome hard enough to leave a dent and little drumsticks float around his head]
 * Patrick: Hot wings! [cut back to Sandy, who rounds on a cowering and terrified SpongeBob]
 * Sandy: Okay, Pinhead Larry, now you get yours! [SpongeBob's pupils shrink in fear, he screams and jumps away to avoid it seconds before Sandy's fist obliterates where he was just sitting. Sandy throws her head back and bellows] PINHEEEEAAAADDDD! [SpongeBob whimpers and runs, Sandy is close behind. SpongeBob later doesn't seem to be going far because he's right behind Sandy on the exercise wheel. He slips and gets flung across the wheel. He flies off and slams into the picnic table, leaving a giant crater in its place. Sandy leans over the crater] Now you're gonna pay for those crimes, Pinhead! [SpongeBob picks up a wood board]
 * SpongeBob: Sandy, stand back. I'm warning ya! [Sandy roars right in SpongeBob's face] Okay, I warned ya! [SpongeBob throws the wooden board, Patrick pops up beside Sandy]
 * Patrick: Did you win? [he's hit by the board and rolls down the crater to SpongeBob’s feet] Hi, SpongeBob! [Sandy growls before leaping into the crater. SpongeBob and Patrick cling onto each other in fear for their lives as a huge shadow covers them before a cloud obscures them, presumably simulating a fight. Cut to the treedome at night where two gravestones are in front of Sandy's Treedome: one for Dirty Dan and one for Pinhead Larry. Patrick and SpongeBob come up from under the snow in respective tombstone order] Okay, SpongeBob, you can be Dirty Dan. I just wanna be Patrick.
 * SpongeBob: Let's get out of here before Sandy wakes up again! [the two run to the door and SpongeBob tries to open it, but his hands slip off the wheel and accidentally hits Patrick in the face]
 * Patrick: Ouch! [covers his eyes in pain]
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, but the door is slippery! It's frozen shut!
 * Patrick: Let me have a try. [he goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door] Open sesame! [nothing happens, Patrick shrugs] Well, I've done all I can do.
 * SpongeBob: Then we're stuck in here...until the door thaws...in spring.
 * Patrick: Barnacles. [cut to much later, where SpongeBob and Patrick are completely buried in the snow, shivering and blue] Is it spring yet?


 * SpongeBob: N-n-n-no. [Patrick and SpongeBob's snow covering on their faces breaks off]


 * Patrick: I'm so cold that I'm shivering! [a piece of Patrick's side of his head cracks off, revealing his brain.]
 * SpongeBob: I'm so cold... [SpongeBob snaps off his two nose drippings and clicks them together] that I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks!
 * Patrick: I'm so cold that...I'm shivering!
 * SpongeBob: Maybe we should build a fire. I got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree! [SpongeBob begins to pull a strip of bark off the tree, but he is stopped by Sandy's booming voice]
 * Sandy: [off-screen] You're gonna be wearing an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead! [SpongeBob quickly puts the strip back on and puts masking tape on it, whimpers. SpongeBob goes back to Patrick]
 * SpongeBob: The fire's not gonna happen, Patrick. I don't get it! How does Sandy survive these intense conditions every year?
 * Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.
 * SpongeBob: Maybe...
 * Patrick: Maybe...
 * SpongeBob: Maybe it's her fur! [cut to a shot of a real-life squirrel]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah! [cut to inside the tree where SpongeBob and Patrick marvel at Sandy's fur]
 * SpongeBob: Look at all that warm, toasty fur.
 * Patrick: It's like a gold mine, but with fur. [SpongeBob slowly prepares to pluck a hair off Sandy]
 * SpongeBob: Carefully...carefully? [Patrick smacks him]
 * Patrick: Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!
 * SpongeBob: All right, all right, hang on a second! [he plucks one hair off and Sandy jumps up from her sleep and roars ferociously. Then goes back to sleep] That should be enough, right? [Patrick takes the hair]
 * Patrick: Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, BIG man!
 * SpongeBob: Well, I guess I've lived a full life! [he plucks one more hair, causing the same reaction with Sandy]
 * Patrick: This is taking too long! I want the warm NOW! [he takes a piece of masking tape, places it on Sandy]
 * SpongeBob: Pat, no! [Patrick rips a patch of Sandy's fur off with the tape, leaving a patch of bare skin. Sandy roars and goes back to sleep, SpongeBob sighs in relief] Pat, are you crazy?! [we see that Patrick has placed the fur on his forehead]
 * Patrick: No, I'm warm.
 * SpongeBob: Let me see that roll of tape.
 * [As we pan out from the tree, we hear the tape ripping out Sandy's fur and her roaring. Cut to later, Patrick comes out of the tree with a strip of hair on his forehead and his pants full of fur. SpongeBob comes out with big eyebrows and a goatee.]
 * Patrick: Man, that fur really hits the spot! No more frozen armpits. [he lifts his arm up, revealing fur under it]
 * SpongeBob: And this eyebrow/goatee combo works like a charm. This is the best idea we've ever had.
 * Patrick: You said it!
 * SpongeBob: I'm ready for the longest, coldest winter ever!
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Bring it on!
 * [Just then, all the snow stops and melts. It's springtime again, flowers bloom.]
 * SpongeBob: Spring?
 * Sandy: [off screen. yawns] Wow, spring already?
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick run frantically to the door, but the handle hasn't thawed yet]
 * SpongeBob: Tartar sauce! The lock is still frozen!
 * Sandy: [off-screen] I sure can't wait to go outside and warm my fur!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick frantically blow on the door handle until it melts. Sandy peeks out the window]
 * Sandy: Oh, look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick!
 * [With that, SpongeBob and Patrick go crazy trying to open the door. Patrick screams. Sandy walks over, completely hairless and in her bikini.]
 * Sandy: Hey, guys! [They climb off the door]
 * [She sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her bald pink body and screams in horror.]
 * SpongeBob: It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals! [Patrick hides his furry forehead piece. Sandy is really ticked now]
 * Sandy: [growling with fury] SpongeBob... Patrick...
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry, Sandy, we've got you covered.
 * [He giggles nervously. Cut to Sandy's arm pouring some lemonade, she giggles.]
 * Sandy: [giggles] More lemonade, boys? [pan out to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob is curled around Sandy's body, in order to cover up her bald pink hide. The two take a glass]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Thanks, Sandy.
 * Sandy: Spring sure is lovely.