What Ever Happened to SpongeBob? (transcript)

s article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePantsepisode "What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?" from season five, which aired on October 13, 2008.
 * [Episode begins outside of SpongeBob's house at night. Spongebob’s foghorn alarm goes off, making sheets fly off of SpongeBob's bed. His eye literally peel open]
 * SpongeBob: [frantically jumps out of bed and bounces off walls landing in front of Gary] Good morning, Gary! [looks out window] Good morning, Mister Mailman!
 * Mailman: Morning, SpongeBob. Ah, it is a good morning, isn't it. [The Mailman crashes into a truck on his bicycle and flies across the sky] AAAHHH!
 * SpongeBob: Isn't life great, Gary? Oh, what a beautiful day. I have the best friends...
 * Squidward: Ah, stay away! Oh, another SpongeBob nightmare.
 * SpongeBob: The best job...
 * [at the Krusty Krab]
 * Mr. Krabs: He's already 10 seconds late! I'm docking him a month's pay for this.
 * SpongeBob: And, of course, the bestest pet.
 * Gary: Meow. [SpongeBob squeezes Gary in a hug, which causes Gary's shell to break. SpongeBob runs out of his house]
 * SpongeBob: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! [runs into Patrick]
 * Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! How goes it?
 * Patrick: Well, it was great until you showed up. [turns around and shows a cake splattered on his belly]
 * SpongeBob: What's that?
 * Patrick: Oh, just a birthday cake for my mom that I spent all day baking. I'm gonna go back and make a 2nd b-day cake that my mom will like. Good neighbors!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, that's the first time someone's called me that. Wait, I know who will enjoy my company. [SpongeBob goes to the door of Squidward's house]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward!
 * Squidward: You’re not horrible neighbors! Don't you ever wake me up from my beauty sleep! Do you understand? Good Neighbors. [Cut to the Treedome, where Sandy has invented a robot]
 * Sandy: It's all done! My greatest invention yet! [the robot starts to dance]
 * SpongeBob: Sandy! What a neat robot! [SpongeBob trips on a log. Some of the water from his helmet goes onto Sandy's robot]
 * Sandy: No!! [Sandy's robot blows up]
 * SpongeBob: Let me explain. You see... I was passing by the tree, and I thought it'd be funny if I gave you a surprise.
 * Sandy: Oh, you gave me a surprise, alright. Look at the surprise I got! [she shows the destroyed robot then pushes SpongeBob out] Get out of here! Good Neighbors!
 * SpongeBob: [sniffles] I guess that means there's only one place left to go. A place where I am wanted, wherever they like it or not! [Cut to the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob WorkPants reporting for duty, Mr. Krabs.
 * Mr. Krabs: Hurry up and get in there, boy! Patties need flipping.
 * SpongeBob: No worries, captain! [SpongeBob trips on some frying pans] Oops, well, all in a day's work. Now, back to doing what I do best! No way I can mess this up... [SpongeBob slides on a puddle of water and starts screaming]
 * Mr. Krabs: [playing with his dollars, laughing] Mr. Dollar, allow me to introduce you to Mrs. Dollar. [hears SpongeBob's screaming] What the barnacles is going on?
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! [SpongeBob slides and hits Mr Krabs. Mr. Krabs falls in the fryer and gets out immediately] Mr. Krabs, are you OK?
 * Mr. Krabs: I'm fine, as long as me money's OK. [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs notice both dollars in the fryer]
 * Mr. Dollar: [to Mrs. Dollar] Although we've only known each other a short time, I want you to know... I love you. [both dollars disintegrate as they cry. SpongeBob laughs nervously]
 * Mr. Krabs: [kicks out SpongeBob] If I were you, I'd get as far away from me as possible-- Good Neighbors! [SpongeBob is shocked and alarmed]
 * SpongeBob: [curls up into a little ball] I guess that's it, then. If Mr. Krabs is calling me "Good Neighbors", it must be true. I know what must be done! [SpongeBob starts crying, his tears creating a river that leads him to his house. At his house, he packs his clothes] I somehow managed to make everyone mad at me. At least you still like me, right, Gary?
 * [We see Spunky putting a bandage on his back. He hisses at SpongeBob]
 * Rocko: [sighs] I'll miss you too, buddy. There's a year's supply of snail food for you. [walks out of his house and turns around] Goodbye, pineapple. [the chimney blows Rocko up in the sky]Goodbye, Big Head. Goodbye, Heffer. Goodbye, Shelia. Goodbye, O-Town. Goodbye, life as I know it. [he lands on the road next to the sign] Welcome to Bikini Bottom. Population 538. [crosses out the "8" with a chalk and puts a "7" next to it] Minus 1. [he leaves Bikini Bottom down the road] Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors, Good Neighbors... [that night, SpongeBob is scared by a bunch of very weird people. In the deleted scene, a scallop is crowing while he sees the weird people. He runs for his life, but falls off the cliff upside down, causing him to hit his head on a bunch of rocks until he reaches the bottom of the cliff. Now he's got a long bump on his head] Oooh, boy, that's quite a lump. I better not hit my head again. That might cause a concussion. [SpongeBob's hobo stick, containing the things that he packed, hits him on the head, causing him to faint. Cut to Patrick, who is knocking on SpongeBob's door and drinking a milkshake]
 * Sandy: Patrick, where's SpongeBob?
 * Patrick: I don't know. I've been knocking on his door for three hours. I need his hot sauce for my milkshake. [drinks his milkshake]
 * Sandy: We ain't got time for that. Hi-yah! [brushes through the door]
 * Gary: Mrloooow.
 * Sandy: Gary? Where are you, little guy? [searches for Gary]
 * Gary: Mrloooow.
 * Sandy: Gary? Gary? [bumps on some of Gary's snail slime on his bottom. Cut to see that Gary is now extremely huge and overweight]
 * Gary: Mrloow.
 * Sandy: Gary! What happened to you?
 * Gary: Mrlooooooowrooowroowrooow. [Sandy sees a note on Gary's food bowl]
 * Sandy: A note. [picks up the note and reads it] To whom it may concern: if you found this letter, that means Gary's food bowl is empty and that it needs to be refilled. It also means it's been approximately one year since I've split town, and no one's noticed 'til now. No one needs to worry, I won't bother anyone again. Sincerely, SpongeBob. A.K.A. Good Neighbors. [Patrick and Sandy look at each other sadly. Cut to SpongeBob, who wakes up when he hears villagers]
 * Harold: I could use this.
 * Jennifer-Millie: Yeah, I like these here.
 * Harold: This is top quality.
 * SpongeBob: Hello there. [the villagers gasp] What's going on?
 * Harold: Oh, we thought you were taking a dirt nap, but we organized your clothes for you... SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: [having forgot who he is, SpongeBob looks behind himself, then turns around to the villagers] Are you talking to me?
 * Harold: Isn't this your name? [shows his nametag]
 * SpongeBob: I don't know, is it?
 * Harold: You don't know your name?
 * SpongeBob: All I know is that I hit my head on some rocks! Now I can't seem to remember anything. [the villagers wink at each other]
 * Harold: Err, well, then I'll remind you that these are not your clothes, and your name isn't SpongeBob, it's, umm... it's... CheeseHead BrownPants. Ha ha! That's it!
 * SpongeBob: [now CheeseHead BrownPants] CheeseHead, huh? [checks his pockets] Wait a minute, what's this? [shows a bubble bottle]
 * Harold: Bubbles?!
 * [The villagers scream and run away]
 * CheeseHead: I wonder what got into them? [Sees the town called "New Kelp City". Cut to a "BREAKING NEWS" slide]
 * Perch Perkins: We interrupt this program for an important announcement. [cut to Perch Perkins in Bikini Bottom, where a crowd of people are panicking] Bikini Bottom is literally in a state of total chaos tonight. [a muscular guy pushes Perch]
 * Muscular Guy: [yelling on screen] Literally! [runs off]
 * Perch Perkins: [gets up weakly with a black eye] We go now to news scene chopper 7. What's up?
 * News Chopper: [we see someone flying in a helicopter] Not looking too good out here, Perch. The Krusty Krab is about to come apart of the hinges. Customers are in a rage over not getting their Krabby Patties.
 * Mr. Krabs: [running to Squidward] Squidward, where the barnacles is SpongeBob? This place is going down the toilet! Patties need flipping!
 * Squidward: If I knew, do you think I'd be standing here getting yelled at by a bunch of morons?
 * Mr. Krabs: Don't talk back to your superior officer, you...
 * [Both start arguing. Sandy comes in]
 * Sandy: Squidward! Mr. Krabs! Y'all seen SpongeBob?
 * Squidward: I think we just went through this...
 * Mr. Krabs: What he means to say is, no, we haven't.
 * Sandy: Well, apparently, he's left Bikini Bottom, and he ain't coming back. [hands Mr. Krabs the note]
 * Mr. Krabs: Let me see that. [begins to read] To whom that may concern, if you found this letter, that means [muttering] sincerely... AKA...AKA? Good Neighbors? GOOD NEIGHBORS?! It is SpongeBob! What am I gonna do without me fry cook?!
 * Patrick: What am I gonna do without my best friend?! I should never have been mean to you! [starts to cry]
 * Sandy: I should have never kicked you out of my house! [starts to cry. Her helmet fills up with tears]
 * Squidward: [sadly] If I knew that was the last time I've seen SpongeBob-- [happily] I would have slammed the door in his face even harder! [starts laughing. Everyone except Squidward and Mr. Krabs is very sad. Mr. Krabs pushes the customers out of the Krusty Krab]
 * Mr. Krabs: All right, all right, group meeting. Everybody out! The Krusty Krab's closed until further notice! [closes the doors] Now... [he and the others gather around] how do you propose we find me money-making employee?
 * [Cut to CheeseHead BrownPants in the streets of New Kelp City]
 * CheeseHead: Whoo, I live in a dump! [bumps into a green fish]
 * Fish: Hey, watch where your stepping!
 * CheeseHead: Sorry, sir, I was just-
 * Fish: I know what you was doing. You was doing the old "bump into the sucker and reach into his pockets and take his change" routine, but it ain't gonna work this time. You want money? Get a job, you deadbeat!
 * CheeseHead: I'm a jobless deadbeat? What a sad existence I don't remember I live. [fade to black. Cut back to him. His tummy is grumbling] Ooh, seems like I'm running on empty. [checks his pockets and sighs] Not a penny to my name. Well, I guess if I want to fill the hole in my gut, I'll need to fill a job somewhere. [checks a bank sign that says "Help Wanted"] Help wanted?
 * Lisa: Well, Mr... BrownPants... you seem to have left this entire application blank.
 * CheeseHead: [laughs] I can't remember a thing.
 * Lisa: Well, do you have any special skills?
 * CheeseHead: Special skills... oh, I can do this! [blows a bubble]
 * Lisa: [screams] Oh, what do you think you're doing?! [kicks out CheeseHead] Sorry, sir, but we run a respectable business here! [she slams the door]
 * CheeseHead: Okay, I guess they don't want you blowing bubbles, unless it directly relates to the job at hand. [Now, he is hired as a builder] Thanks for the job, boss! You won't be disappointed.
 * Builder: That's real sweet, BrownPants, but I don't hear that hammer pounding.
 * CheeseHead: [pounding the hammer while flying on a bubble] Then this might be music to your ears.
 * Builder: [sees the bubble] Neptune's son, what are you doing? [gets down from the building] You aren't doing that on my building site! You're fired! [the bubble pops and CheeseHead falls down]
 * CheeseHead: I do not understand this. What is wrong with this city? Maybe it's not the city. Maybe it's me. [looks at a man from All That Glitters] Hey, mister, Look at me! Mister, look at me! Is there something wrong with me? [shows a gruesome look on his face, then he makes a snot bubble, the man screams and runs away. Cut to the Krusty Krab]
 * Sandy: Listen up, y'all! I got a plan to bring back SpongeBob.
 * Mr. Krabs: You do?
 * Sandy: Yup, and it involves this. [shows a device] It'll track any sponge within a 50-mile radius.
 * Squidward: So, you're saying this thing can actually find SpongeBob?
 * Sandy: You got it, SquidCakes, but it's gonna take all of us to find-- [Squidward smashes the device with a hammer, everyone gasps]
 * Squidward: [holding the hammer while panting heavily like a maniac] Oops, I dropped it. [Mr. Krabs' nose inflates like a balloon, then bursts]
 * Mr. Krabs: MR. SQUIDWARD!!! This device was me last chance to get this place back into ship shape! And since you destroyed it, I am ordering you to find SpongeBob!
 * Squidward: [laughs] I wouldn't seek out that twit for all the leotards of the sea.
 * Mr. Krabs: If you don't find him, you'll be out of a job forever.
 * Squidward: Ha! Is that your version of a threat?
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, don't forget your retirement gift.
 * Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I am not interested in any– [gasps] Is that a handcrafted jewel-encrusted ornamental egg? That'll complete my collection! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: Not so fast! [pushes Squidward] Bring back me number one fry cook first.
 * [Cut to CheeseHead, who is cold in the streets of New Kelp City. He goes to get warm near a fire]
 * Fish: Real drag, isn't it? Having to stand around the fire for warmth every night?
 * CheeseHead: Yeah.
 * Other Fish: Heh, not for us... we're just waiting in line for a new video game.
 * CheeseHead: I guess I am just a jobless deadbeat. [sighs] You guys mind if I bubble?
 * Fish: [frightened] You can't do that here!!
 * CheeseHead: But... bubbles will steady the ol' nerves. Watch. [blows a bubble] See? Feeling better already.
 * [everyone who sees the bubble screams and runs away]
 * CheeseHead: What could possibly be wrong with practicing the bubble arts? [deleted scene only]Seems like a harmless activity. [laughs]
 * [CheeseHead BrownPants gets ready to blow another bubble, when he is approached by a gang who are snapping their fingers. When he walks away slowly one of them grabs him]
 * Bubble Poppin' Boys Leader: Do you have any... [the others continue snapping] I think we've made our point with the snapping! [They stop snapping] As I was saying... do you have any idea who we are?
 * CheeseHead: Um, wait... err, um... don't tell me, um...
 * Bubble Poppin' Boys Leader : Don't answer. [laughs] I'll show ya. [turns around to show the back of his shirt, which says "Bubble Poppin' Boys"] We call us the Bubble Poppin' Boys. And article 1 of our charter prohibits bubble blowing on our turf. [pops the bubble. Its water gets in his eyes and he gets angry, showing his red eyes] You see why we don't allow bubbles in our city? Fortunately, we have ways of dealing with careless bubble blowers like you. Let's rough him up, boys! [the gang is ready to beat CheeseHead, but he sheds his skin and runs away]
 * Bubble Poppin' Boys Leader: Where'd he go? [sees him run] After him!!
 * [CheeseHead tries to hide from the Bubble Poppin' Boys, but they surround him. He blows four bubbles to make a stairway. One of the Bubble Poppin' Boys climbs up a street light. He then blows a bubble raft and hops on it]
 * CheeseHead: Ah, I'll be making this getaway in comfort. [The Bubble Poppin' Boys try to shoot down the bubble raft with slingshots. CheeseHead blows a bubble paddle and paddles away, but one of the slingshots pop the bubble raft and paddle, causing him to fall. He lands on the street safely, but the bottle of bubble soap spills, and the bubble wand falls in the sewer. The Bubble Poppin' Boys are running towards him, but he sticks his hand into the spilled bubble soap and blows a big bubble to trap the Bubble Poppin' Boys, causing them to float up and out of New Kelp City]
 * Man: You- you did it! [grunts and runs over to CheeseHead] Do you realize what you've done?
 * CheeseHead: No.
 * Man: You have freed the city. Citzens of New Kelp, come out of the shadows, 'cause CheeseBoy kicked the Bubble Poppin' gang right out of town! [All of the citizens of New Kelp City come out and blow bubbles]
 * All: Thank you, CheeseBoy!
 * Man #2: What an amazing gift CheeseBoy has given us.
 * CheeseHead: Actually, it's CheeseHead. [a car appears. Its horn honks as a window rolls down, and the mayor of New Kelp City appears]
 * Mayor: Well, CheeseHead, this is a historic day for New Kelp City. You have rid this city of the Bubble Poppin' Boys, and restored bubble-blowing to the streets. [laughs] Something I wasn't able to do for 20 years as mayor. For this, I appoint you... [puts his hat on CheeseHead's head] mayor of New Kelp City!
 * All: [lifting up CheeseHead] All hail mayor CheeseHead!! [He smiles. Cut to Patrick, Sandy and Squidward, who are still searching for the yellow sponge.]
 * Sandy: SpongeBob!
 * Patrick: SpongeBob!
 * Sandy: SpongeBob!
 * Patrick: [lifts up the road] Buddy? You there? [puts the road down]
 * Sandy: SpongeBob! [points at the truck stop] Maybe someone at that truck stop has seen our porous little buddy.
 * Patrick: SpongeBob! [they walk to the truck stop]
 * Sandy: There he is, guys!
 * Patrick: Huh? SpongeBob! [laughs and runs into Shubie] Oh, I knew I'd find you, buddy! Look at you. You haven't changed a bit. Let's go home and eat a gallon of seanut butter.
 * Sandy: That's not SpongeBob, Patrick. There's SpongeBob. [Patrick drops Shubie. She points to the newspaper carrier]
 * Patrick: [yells] I'll get ya out of this cage, buddy! [breaks the glass with a brick and hugs the newspaper] You're safe now in my arms. [notices that the picture of SpongeBob on the newspaper is gone] Huh? Where'd you go now? [cries]
 * Sandy: Uh, Pat? All the ink came off on your belly.
 * Patrick: Oh.
 * Sandy: Now let's see what that little critter's up to. [reads] New mayor of... [gasps] SpongeBob's mayor of New Kelp City!
 * Mayor CheeseHead: [He is giving a speech to the citizens with a gleeful Patrick and a surprised Sandy and Squidward in the audience] Citizens of New Kelp City. I don't know much about politics or balanced budgets or how to be a "leader". I'm not exactly sure what a mayor is, but I do know this, while I am wearing the mayor's hat it will always be safe to blow bubbles on the streets of new kelp or my name isn't CheeseHead BrownPants.
 * Sandy: CheeseHead BrownPants?
 * Man #3: New Kelp City has brown-pants mania. [some people rip off there own pants to show them wearing brown pants like the mayor's, everyone cheers until Sandy interrupts]
 * Sandy: Hang on a minute. I don't mean to put a damper on the mood here but Bikini Bottom needs you back, SpongeBob.
 * Mayor CheeseHead: What's that?
 * Sandy: Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you, buddy.
 * Mayor CheeseHead: Oh, this is a surprise.
 * Sandy: Surprised I found you?
 * Mayor CheeseHead: No, surprised at seeing a talking weasel.
 * Sandy: [gasps] It's me, Sandy. Don't pretend you don't remember me, SpongeBob.
 * Mayor CheeseHead: Sorry, Sandy. But I'd probably remember another underwater, talking weasel.
 * Patrick: You may not remember the weasel but you haven't forgotten your best friend, have you? [Patrick rips off the mayor's sleeve to reveal half of a tattoo that reads, "Best Friends, Spring Break]
 * Mayor CheeseHead: I have no idea how that got there. All I remember is hitting my head, blowing some bubbles and now, poof, I'm mayor.
 * Sandy: You must've lost your memory when you hit your head. You'll just have to come back with us to Bikini Bottom. The familiar surroundings will bring your memory right back.
 * Mayor CheeseHead: Uh, sorry, weasel girl, I can't leave. These people need my leadership. In fact, I'm late for a meeting.
 * Sandy: [Mayor CheeseHead BrownPants enters a limo] SpongeBob, wait! [As the limo leaves it turns around which reveals Squidward is the one driving]
 * Squidward: Don't just stand there, get in.
 * Sandy: Squidward?
 * Squidward: Hurry up! [Patrick and Sandy enter the limo] Decorative egg, here I come. [limo is leaving New Kelp City, then reaches the Krusty Krab]
 * Sandy: Here it is! You must recognize this place.
 * Mayor CheeseHead: Nope.
 * Mr. Krabs: Don't recognize the Krusty Krab? Stop your kidding, boy. And start frying up them patties.
 * Mayor CheeseHead: I was a fry cook before?
 * Mr. Krabs: Aye, the best in the business. Now get flipping.
 * Mator CheeseHead: Look, guys, as much as I'd love to toil the days away flipping burgers, I think I'll just go back to my modest job as mayor of a major city.
 * Squidward: Whoo-hoo-hoo, SpongeBob's leaving for real this time!
 * Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I brought back your number one fry cook you gotta pay up.
 * Mr. Krabs: All right, Mr. Squidward, a deal's a deal. Here's your fancy egg.
 * Squidward: Ohh It's BEAU-TI-FUL! [Squidward sobs with excitement and is admiring his egg until he slips on a greasy spatlua which sends the egg flying] STOOOOOP! [when the mayor leaves the Krusty Krab, the egg crashes onto his head, Squidward is upset that his egg is destroyed, a bump rises on the yellow sponge's head]
 * Sandy: You OK, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, just a bit of a headache, Sand- [He looks around the Krusty Krab] Hey, I remember this place.
 * Sandy: SpongeBob's back!
 * Mr. Krabs: We're really sorry we ran you out of town, boy. But we're glad you're back.
 * SpongeBob: I'd really love to stay, but the people of New Kelp City need their mayor. Good-bye, everyone.
 * Patrick, Sandy, Mr. Krabs: Huh? What? Oh, not again.
 * Squidward: He's leaving, again!
 * Perch Perkins: Stop what you're doing and don't go out that door. This is a KNKC special report. Panic in the streets of New Kelp City as rampant bubbles bring visibility down to 0. The angry citizens here blame the apocalyptic scene on Mayor CheeseHead BrownPants and his newly-enacted bubble policy. [another muscular fish pushes him on the screen]
 * Construction Fish: If I ever see Mayor Brown Pants again I'm gonna grab his little, yellow head and literally rip his!-- [screen changes to "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties. Please Stay Tuned."]
 * Mr. Krabs: Where's SpongeBob?
 * [SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen]
 * SpongeBob: [rings a bell] Order up! [hands a Krabby Patty on plate] Who wants to be a dumb old mayor when you're the best fry cook in town? And how could I ever leave behind my bestest friend?
 * Patrick: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Krabby Patty! [he eats the Krabby Patty] SpongeBob, another masterpiece.
 * Sandy: It's great to have you back, Spongy.
 * SpongeBob: [sighs] Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever.
 * [In the background cows are mooing. Squidward opens his head, removes his brain, and throws into the trash